The reason we are gathered here is that many of you are confused about how you became a stranger in a strange land. You’ve found yourselves in unfamiliar territory since our dim-witted orange overlord took his throne. We see the befuddled looks on all of your faces every day as you lament about the state of the country since we elected an authoritarian orangutan as our leader, and how it’s affecting you.
Now that he’s bumbling around the Oval Office, you’re worried about your health care, the economy, education and even your security. Everything seems so uncertain, and the world just seems so harsh, but don’t fear—that’s why you’re here today. We wanted to settle your doubts and assure you that nothing is wrong.
Welcome to America.